Monday, May 24, 2010

Baby kicks



This baby moves inside me now

Sending messages at night-

Morse code

About life on the inside:

It is dark

But warm and quiet

With only muffled echoes softly pleading,

Wake up, little one.

I want to know you're in there,

Happy and safe.

Answers come again-

A sudden flutter-

Secret lyrics of song with no rhythm.

Played with hands and feet.

Someday I will hear the song again-

A high-pitched, quick and breathy humming.

I will teach her that she's been singing that old song forever,

And reach out for little splayed hands

That have long since held my heart.

By Yvette Benavides 

For quite awhile now, I've been trying, in vain, to write an appropriate baby post. But nothing I can come up with accurately conveys my experience being pregnant. And this post isn't going to do it, either, but I'll keep working on it.

I'm actually having a lot of trouble with the idea that this is my last pregnancy. I've loved being pregnant each and every time, though this has by far been the most relaxing, least stressful pregnancy. 

With Danny's: I had only graduated three months before I found out I was pregnant; Chris and I hadn't been dating long; Chris was still in school and my job was paying me $25,000 a year (ie- we were broke); the pregnancy was a complete surprise; we planned and executed a wedding; for 3/4 of the pregnancy Chris lived in Spokane and I lived in Pullman; when I finally moved to Spokane, I then had to commute to Pullman; I switched from an OB-GYN to a midwife at 30 weeks pregnant. Yet I still did enjoy the pregnancy itself!

With Isaac's: Chris has just graduated when I got pregnant (we did this on purpose, this time); we moved across the state with a 15-month-old; and Chris was starting the ER internship--when the internship was over, he worked A TON in order to be saving up to buy our house. Luckily, we were living with Mom, Brenda and Tom (and soon Bean!); they helped immensely. Even though Chris was working a lot, I was definitely not lonely. And when Isaac was born, I had it good. There were always people to help me with Danny when I needed it. Looking back, I don't know how people introduce a second child under different circumstances! But this pregnancy was quite a bit more relaxed, and easier to enjoy.

This pregnancy...we're financially stable. Our relationship is the best it's been, and continually getting better. We have a house that is ours, with no impending move on the horizon. I have a wonderful midwife who has been with me for some time now. I'm physically in better shape. I feel like I am well supported in my family and friends (though I wish my family were closer...)

My only problem this pregnancy is that I just can't escape the feeling that this is it. Like, this is what my body was put here to do--when you look at it in a Darwinian sense--and it is all going to be over in this short time. Granted, I will still be nursing a baby for some time...but when that is over, my time of sharing my body with a child is completely done. In a sense, it will be a relief, but I know I will be extremely sad. I already am, just in anticipation of it.

Every time "Nicky" (what Danny, and now I, have dubbed the baby, though this is by no means what we are going to name him!) starts moving--and this is very frequently--I always stop whatever I am doing and try to revel in it. I'm trying to memorize that sensation of what it's like to feel a life growing inside me. Part of me thinks it's silly; because really, won't every woman who's given birth remember what it was like, the sensation of a hand dragging across the inside; the sudden flurry of kicks that come randomly. It's been very good for me, the idea of slowing down and soaking it in, as I've taken it and more broadly applied it to Danny and Isaac, too--this time with them is so fleeting.


I get upset with myself, because it really has taken me this long to begin to appreciate it all, and try on a daily basis to slow down and enjoy my children the way I should, the way they deserve. I would hate to look back and think I should have played and cuddled more, and cooked and cleaned less. 

So Nicky...thank you. If this is why I was meant to have a third child, that revelation alone was worth it. I hope to be the most present Mama possible, looking to neither past nor future, but just enjoying you and your brothers and soaking it all in. Keep kicking, it's a good reminder :) 


1 comment:

  1. Michelle, this is such a sweet post. I'm so glad I got to read it. Maybe this won't be your last pregnancy - you never know!